Twenty-four fall ill at elementary school

A whole class all of a sudden gets sick? Something doesn't add up about this story. I'll bet they had a standardized test that day and the teacher knew they weren't ready so she poisoned their lunches. It the only explanation that makes sense.

School janitor is accused of giving gifts to girls

I don't think thre is anything too creepy about a 43-year old man buying gift bags, giving $100 dollars, invitations to movies, tapeing notes on lockers and giving his cell phone number to a 13-year old girl. What is wrong is that he offered this girl gum. Doesn't he know gum is not allowed in schools? The sad thing is he will be the one having to scrape it off of some gym floor later that week.

Student Expelled for Setting Teacher's Hair on Fire

I guess the days of spit-balls are numbered. It used to be, when your teacher turned their back, you pass notes. Now you are in danger of having your head set ablaze. Hopefully the teacher needed a new hair-do anyways.

Student suspended 10 days for taking vitamins

Story: Student suspended 10 days for taking vitamins

He plans on doing push-ups the entire 2 weeks he is out of school. This will be the perfect opportunity for him to get in peak physical shape. Going to class was probably only holding him back from reaching that goal.

High school dropouts cost state billions

But think of how much they are saving us. Less mouths to feed in the cafeteria. Less books you have to buy for classes. And since the article deems them as future criminals, I'm sure there are less behavior and vandalism problems around school.

School suspends kindergarten student over Mohawk haircut

Story: School suspends kindergarten student over Mohawk haircut

I pity the fool who has to grow up being educated by a school system that would suspend a student for a mohawk.

List of administrative priorities for the year:

  • Stop School Shootings
  • Curb Drug Use
  • End Mohawks

Digital recorder catches teacher

Story: Digital recorder catches teacher

The teacher was recorded saying

"Everybody understand that? You're mean to me, so I get to be mean to you. Y'all are just stupid kids. I swear to God."
Students almost let this rationale stand, until one pupil brought up the "two wrongs don't make a right" clause.

Girlfight Explodes On School Bus

Story: Girlfight Explodes On School Bus

This is perhaps the one truth that can be gleaned from the high school experience: cage fighters have nothing on teenage girls. Dudes go in the bathroom, yell at each other, and if the crowd is lucky, throw a punch or two. Girls on the other hand, strike without warning, pull hair, gouge eyes, spike heads off pavement, and otherwise try to annihilate their opponent.

Assistant principal accused of shoplifting

This is a great example to set for students. He was caught stealing a pair of shoes from a store. He wore old ones in, put them in a box, and wore new ones out. If there wasn't such thing as cameras and security officers, this plan might have worked. Also, if there wasn't an expectation that Asst. principals should demonstrate good morals, then maybe no one would care.

Cameras Catch Teens Robbing School Safe; Cash Allegedly Spent on Food, Video Games

Story: Cameras Catch Teens Robbing School Safe; Cash Allegedly Spent on Food, Video Games


I'm not much of a gamer, but remind me again of the Grand Theft Auto level where you break into your school, barley make off with $700, buy some General Tao's Chicken, and then get busted because you forgot you were on camera...

Police Car &School Bus Smash Up



Prince Georges County (Washington, DC Suburb) A police car has crashed into a school bus. 26 students on board, students taken to hospitals, treated and released, no reported injuries now. Police responding to shooting. Officer taken to hospital with non-life threatening injuries. Bus driver ejected.


7-Year-Old Brings Crack to School

Recipe to Lose Custody of Your Children:
1. Own tons of crack
2. Keep your crack laying around in reach of your kids
3. Do not supervise your kids while they play with your crack
4. Be negligent as your child walks to school with 70 grams of crack
5. Have no good answers when the Department of Children and Families arrives at your door

Officials investigate reported gang induction at elementary school

Story: Officials investigate reported gang induction at elementary school

I've heard the the moutains of South Carolina are a close rival to the gang activity in South Central L.A. These 5th graders are in for a wake-up call when they get to 6th grade if they are forming gangs in elemenentary school. Either way, the principal better keep an eye on this before kids start saying "Your Momma" jokes too.

Man arrested carrying crossbow near high school

He was caught walking around with a loaded crossbow and a machete!? Did he get a little too much into the new Rambo release? Unless he is hunting panthers in the jungles of Costa Rica I can't think of a good excuse for this type of behavior. But for whatever reason I doubt there are Costa Rican panthers in suburban Canada.

High school cheating ring busted

If this operation has been going on for years, I say we applaud the students. A key that gets passed down like a torch after graduating classes move on? Genius. These kids really have one foot ahead of the pack in terms of succeeding in the cut-throat business world that lies ahead.

Syringes found on elementary school playground

So maybe kids are replacing kickballs with hypodermic needles. Sounds to me like we have a bunch of future doctors on our hands!

School bans book detailing sex, drugs

It seems we keep ignoring the fact the children nowadays are exposed to more than a generation ago. This is for a number of reasons,, including television, the media, and the internet. So why do administrators keep pretending students are uniformed when we could use these opportunities to educate them. It's not like the Health teacher has an underground operation of Hustler's stashed in her closet that she lends out to curious kids.

Teacher's Aide Arrested

Story: Teacher's Aide Arrested

There must not be a handbook in all school districts that clearly spells out the fact that teachers are not allowed to host underage drinking and sex parties in rented hotel rooms. Seems like an innocent mistake a 34-year old can make right?

Special Ed Teachers to strike

I am sure they will find some under-qualified substitutes to take their place. Whatever happened to teachers wanting to make a difference in student's lives? I'm pretty sure there are tens of thousands of people who volunteer the Special Olympics every year just for that reason. But these teachers need salary increases so they can go shoe shopping on the weekends?

"Girl" at school was 39-year-old man

Story: "Girl" at school was 39-year-old man

Usually, when I'm caught cross dressing at a public high school, I use the old "the kids scared me into the building" defense too. Well played!

Asst. Principal Fired for Using Pepper Spray on Students

He quotes, "There will come a day when the parents will be begging for a strong disciplinarian in the school."
I don't think there is a fine line between strong disciplinarian and someone who uses riot tactics to control hallway safety. He used this method several times during the year, this was after he got into trouble for choking a student prior to this. So this is how we are relating to students? Using violent methods of attack at all times. I am willing to bet this guy voted 'Yes' in favor of carrying a concealed weapon to school.

Teacher arrested for cell-phone pics

When my teachers would send notes home they were usually telling me I needed to focus more on assignments. When my teachers liked having me in class they would give me stickers. Nowadays they send you juicy pictures of themselves stripping over the phone. That's awesome! What a way to reward good classroom behavior.

Parent's question school's safety after brawl

The school had to go on lockdown because of too many fights!? At some point you have to admit defeat. It seems administration has completely lost control of this school. It sounds like scenes from the courtyard at San Quentin State Prison. Did they really not see anything brewing before this erupted into one giant cafeteria brawl? If you want some warning signs just start watching to see how many kids are starting to wear the same colors to school every day.

Gas leak forces evacuation at Elementary School

I don't see what's wrong with toughing up your immune system a little bit. Let's not alarm. It's not like a life-long minor respiratory problem is the end of the world.

Principal Goes Ballistic During Parent Conference

Why should we expect a head authority figure to keep his cool under fire? Because we trust him with our children every day? Because he is responsible for the safety of thousands of students per year? Because he makes decisions that will effect the youth of the future? These really aren't great reasons, but I'm sure he can justify jumping on top of tables and shouting at parents somehow.

BREAKING: UW-Madison Students Protest Winter Exclusive

Madison, WI. University of Wisconsin - Madison students Maggie Koopman and Ben Grady are leading a student movement at UW-Madison to end Winter. Complete with signs, cheers, and a clipboard full of names, Grady was certain they would gather enough signatures to effectively lobby the state legislature to end Winter. However, he wasn't exactly sure how many signatures that required. Not all the Badgers are looking forward to Spring season though. Some students, apparently embittered by the constant stream of political protests at Madison, mumbled, "So you hate Christmas?" This is seen as just the first step in building solidarity within the movement to eventually eliminate Fall and Spring as well.

Teacher arrested after sexually explicit text messages sent to student

At what point do you even get a students cell phone number? I am guessing this guy didn't wait until Valentine's Day to send her something cute via text. Have none of these teachers learned that this IS illegal and they WILL get caught? But seriously, technology is just making it easier and easier to weed out the perverts.

High school considering single-gender classes

Didn't we all agree that 'cooties' doesn't actually exist?
Apparantly mixing boys and girls in the same class leads to lower tests scores and increased behavior problems. At least this is the theory of one school district. I am sure he would not want to do a case study of the billions of successful Americans that attended classes with the opposite sex while growing up.

Elementary School vandalized with obscenities

Who has the time or money to remove two-month old graffiti from school walls? We are quick to hand out punishments if children are caught using obsene words, but are perfectly fine with allowing one side of your building to be bannered with vulgarities for the entire community to read. Great logic we are teaching these elementary students.

Elementary School to Transition to Solar Energy

This is a great plan. Until the first cloudy day when the freezers shut down and the overhead projectors turn off. The school also has plans to use robots instead of teachers. And teleports instead of school busses.

School nurse busted for selling cocaine at home

You would think a school nurse has access to any drugs she wants. Couldn't she go into business crushing up Ritalin and moving that around her neighborhood? I guess nurse pay is so low that she needs to be scaling out grams in her bedroom. After an investigation, they also learned that she doesn't even have a nursing liscense. How did she get this job? Slipping asthma inhalers to the principal under the table?

Female Ref Banned From Boys' Game

The school also bans men from being in the cafeteria kitchen.
They already have the right to vote, why do they feel the need get involved in sports now too? How about this, we'll keep them nearby in case one of the uniforms gets torn and needs a quick stitching. Does this school not realize that it's 2008? Hilary Clinton might be our next President and this lady can't ref a basketball game!

Bus driver accused of hitting kids

We should all be greatful he used the back side of his hands to teach these kids a lesson rather than the front bumper. But maybe a thoughtful teacher can forward this guy the legal definitions of assault and battery from the previous story.

Teacher accused of kicking student

Assault: an attempt to cause or purposely, knowingly, or recklessly causing bodily injury to another
Battery: an assault in which the assailant makes intentional, physical contact
I wanted to get those definitions out there since it's evident that not all teachers are aware of them. Just something to think about before you go after your next student. By the way, both can face criminal charges.

Razor Blade Found In Valentine Candy

What better way to say "I love you" than seeing someone bleed from the mouth.
But Finally. We have been waiting our whole lives to hear a story that confirms the childhood scare that people are poisoning candy. We can all breathe safely now. Oh, except for the kid that may have swallowed a razor. He's probably having problems with that.

Student suspended after needle scare

A kid can run around school stabbing people in the neck with a needle and only get suspended? Isn't there a school psychologist that can red flag this behavior as mentally insane? It's normal to call people names or to knock their books from their hands. But I think poking people with syringes is borderline cause for further evaluation. Unless he was giving everyone free flu shots, which would be great!

High school girl got a steroid scare

From what I remember, cheerleading wasn't even a big deal in high school. Who is putting pressure on these girls to be in peak shape? Does it make them cheer louder?
And she scored the pills from the football team. Apparantly now high school athletes are slipping cheerleaders growth hormones at parties instead of date-rape drugs. Roids over roofies? I guess that's good news.

Teacher Charged In Online Prostitution Sting

It seems the sex drive for Middle School teachers is unusually high. He wasn't the only one caught during this sting. It's got to be harder and harder for teachers to live double lives with the explosion of internet accessability. We can only hope he wasn't soliciting on Craigs List while his students were hard at work on a science test.

Westchester school bus driver leaves students in snow

Westchester school bus driver leaves students in snow

These kids should learn to toughen up. When I was a kid we didn't have "global warming", we had blizzards. So what if you are 14 years old and two miles from home -- are we raising our kids to be Americans or American'ts??

Spooked by message, students stay home from Long Island school

Spooked by message, students stay home from Long Island school

The message, "I Will Kill Every 1.", apparently had some students appalled at the complete lack of grammatical ability. "Everyone knows that numbers should be spelled out, and I'm not even going to get into the capitalization problems. Frankly, I'm not sure the English classes are safe anymore. I don't want to be misled by lazy faculty that somehow we can just use numerals indiscriminately." said one freshman.

Pupils injured in knife attack at school

Pupils injured in knife attack at school

Nothing like a good old knife fight to bring back the nostalgia. The two were reportedly settling up a dispute from the previous weekend, where one boys '57 Mustang ended up in the ocean after a mean game of chicken over the edge of the local bluff.

Teen-to-teen sex education divides parents

Teen-to-teen sex education divides parents

The basic problem is that the majority of high school students are getting ass more consistently than most parents. For the parents who still insist on following draconian interpretations of 2,000 year old mythology, this can be problematic. Forget teen-to-teen sex ed, let's instate teen-to-parent sex ed and perhaps these prudes will relax.

Flu forces elementary school to cancel classes

Until dead birds start showing up in the garbage cans outside, I'd say go ahead and resume classes. Just take a few minutes and debrief everyone by reminding them to cover their mouths and wash their hands. And don't throw snotty kleenex at people.

Gay-themed high school play draws protest

Any time someone wants to recognize the fact that gay people exist, you're gonna find some Baptist church rallying against it.
In a twisted irony, it seems that people who are willing to stand up for a belief, are willing to die for it. But people who don't believe in things and wish to remain closed-minded, are only willing to kill because of it. Now which group seems to be the difficult one?

Vice-principal charged with DUI

It was a Wednesday night! (Note: Wednesday is a school night)
Are things that bad man?

Student Accidentally Tased By Deputy

I figured this one out. People are so stupid in Greene County Carolina, that they think "accidentally" is spelled "accidentially." If this is their trusted news source, then I can only imagine the education of the officers carrying tasers.

Bentonville Schools Latest To Ban Valentine Deliveries

The way I interpret this story is that high school boys have become more pathetic to the point that they feel the need to send their sweetheart flowers and teddy bears during English class. So much so that the school day is flooded with so many cookie bouquets that teacher just can't get class started. You guys are gonna see each other after school right?
Whatever happened to Candy Grams?

No dirty dancing for kids

ALL school dances have been cancelled for the rest of the year because one mom wasn't happy with the inappropriate style of dance she saw. It's not like these 7th graders were getting lap dances to an Akon song in the Red Room.
Hey mom, things have changed a bit since the Twist.

Teacher Suspended After Duct-Taping Student to Desk

I don't even remember teachers having duct-tape in their rooms, but apparantly in the last year or so it went on whole-sale and all educaters bought a crap-load of it.
How humiliating does it have to be to be taped to a desk? And how much does it hurt your arms hairs to have to rip the stuff off?

Boy Sexually Assaulted While Walking To School

I am sure the school will face heat because they either didn't have enough crossing guards, didn't provide adequate transportation, or something else. But that's probably because it wasn't a priority for the budget.
Usually we have to wait until the kid actually gets to school to be sexually assaulted, it is a shame it happened this way.

School bus driver cited for having beer on bus

Simple Science Project Instructions:
Materials Needed: 2 bus drivers, 2 busses, 40 students, 6 pack of Busch Light.
Hypothesis: IF you need to drink beer during the middle of the day, THEN you probably shouldn't get a job driving kids around on a bus.
Constant: Have one driver perform route without purchasing booze.
Variable: Have the other driver stop during his shift to drink beer.
Record Data: See which bus driver keeps their job.
How Can I Test My Results? Try this experiment in any school district in the U.S.

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